I bet there are a lot of you out there like me. How many times have you been reading another blog where someone says something or does something that really makes you mad? Don’t you immediately want to retaliate in some way shape or form? Don’t you? But, you have learned from experience that it is better to take the high road instead of just being downright mean.
Once in a while you are just in a mood or the timing is just perfect where something that another person says or does really rubs you the wrong way. That happened to me recently which was the inspiration for this blog post. When I get flustered, I like to write about it. Writing is very therapeutic don’t you know.
So you write this nice scathing response to them or you write this long abusing blog post as your way to get back at them. In my case you might write two or three or four of them. But, then you choose not to publish the post or not submit the comment. You don’t want to stoop to that level.
How many times have you wanted to strangle another blogger?
How many times have you wished that you could just reach through your LCD monitor across the internet and slap someone silly?
Where do you suppose this comes from?
Do you suppose it is due to poor communication skills on your ability to interpret what someone else is really trying to say? Is it poor communication skills on the other person’s part for not articulating their point in an easily understood manner? Is it their mannerisms? Is it because that person is incapable of experiencing empathy for the people they are talking about? Is it because people are just plain jerks sometimes? My guess is that it is probably a little of each depending on the circumstances.
So We Take The High Road
We take the high road of not telling them exactly how we really feel about them. We refrain from swearing. Even when this other person chooses to get really personal with us or our friends, we bite our tongues and offer them the other cheek.
Here is how I see it
Things you say on the internet are recorded permanently. It is very hard to take things back once you say them. So you better choose wisely. Still, I think it is perfectly acceptable for someone to have a bad moment and blow up against someone else. It is okay so long as that person see’s the error afterwards and apologizes for it. I certainly am not perfect and I make plenty of dumb mistakes.
But, then there are those people who would never apologize for wrongdoings. There are people out there whose character flaws are so deep that they cannot even see that they are wretched tormented people at their core. I feel sad for those people. How difficult it must be to go through life thinking that they are better than everyone else. They are selfish and self-centered and they don’t even realize it. They will never know what it is like to be really happy in life because all they do is cut everyone else down and proclaim their own superiority. Truly, truly sad.
How popular would someone be if they constantly belittled the work of everyone around them? Imagine them running around saying how inferior everyone else is. Imagine them proclaiming that they were superior to their colleagues and that very few people even approached their supreme intellect.
Should you publish those mean posts and comments to punish people like that?
From time to time it is probably good to give some people a little dose of their own medicine. That is how karma eventually makes its way back around to some people. As long as you don’t do it every time, I suppose you should have a clear conscience.
If you aren’t always like that, then you have nothing to worry about. If you are always like that, then no matter how well you try to hide it, your true character will eventually reveal itself. People will think you are a loser and pity you for it. You can rest assured that a truly mean spirited person who is intentionally trying to instigate something is going to get what is coming to them in one way shape or form.
Whatever you do, don’t link to them. Then the people who engage in that tactic for link baiting purposes win in the end. In fact, if you suspect that they are doing it to get links or generate more interest in what they have to say, then you are better off just ending the conversation entirely.
Here are a few thoughts in the words of Napoleon Hill:
“Boastfulness is generally an admission of an inferiority complex”
“No one is so good that he has no bad in him, and no one so bad that he has no good.”
“If you have more enemies than friends, the odds are 1000 to 1 that you earned them.”
How many times have you chosen not to publish a mean blog post or a mean comment even when someone deserved it?
No related posts.
Wow Kathy this is a very honest post….go gal. Isn’t it good we have a delete button on our keyboard??!! I haven’t been blogging long enough to have experienced the ppl you sound like you have bumped into in the blogosphere. I have been truly blessed meeting those in the blogging community who like you are encouragers and help me when I get stuck with things.
However, I must say I did meet some marketers who I could have written some not so nice things about when they scammed me. Hopefully what I did write was a professional type letter to their company stating the facts. Not that it did any good…..they took my money ran!!!
Still, I believe in the principle that you reap what you sow in life and these people will one day give account for their deeds. I moved on and now enjoy a blogging community who are the exact opposite and I’m so glad I found y’all.
Patricia Perth Australia
Glad to have you around Patricia.
I would be interested to hear about how you got scammed sometime if you ever feel like sharing. Shoot me an email or something. I hate scammers.
I like your point about you reap what you sow. That is so true. I have experienced both sides of that coin. I think we all have.
I have been where you are.
I recently published a comment from a blogger who I thought was very disrespectful in the way they responded to a commenter of my blog. I politely responded to the person commenting in defense of that blogger and the person never returned to my blog.
That is why you shouldn’t comment when you’re upset. If you get upset in a debate, take a break and then come back to the post when you have a clear head.
Good advice Rose – walk away and come back when you have a clear head.
I like to write out responses to the person for therapeutic reasons. Then I just choose not to publish them. (usually) After I get my thoughts out on paper, I start to feel better even though I know that nobody really heard me.
One thing certainly is true that seems to come into play quite often: It is sometimes very difficult to convey your position properly by using written words alone in the span of a blog comment. Often times we try to make quick points as if we are having a face to face conversation with the other person, only to have our statements be misinterpreted as a slap or condemnation of what they said. This would be far less likely to happen in a face to face conversation where all the other senses and mannerisms of a real live conversation come into play.
Trying to communicate effectively using only words on a screen can be quite inefficient and very challenging at times.
Mean? Not sure I’ve run into mean posts or comments … debatable, yes. Mean, no. Annoying and irritating possibly but never mean; it could be that I don’t blog hop enough. But, I do find writing useful to held me rid myself of negative energy when I’m frustrated so I know about it being therapeutic. Sorry I can’t add to this, I guess I don’t take blogging seriously enough to notice anything mean. ;-)
I have come across some mean people. There are a lot of them out there believe it or not. I think people are mean when they are scamming people or when they are just plain rude to people all of the time. I suppose I could have expanded on that word a little.
You added to it just by being here and giving your two cents Kissie. Thank you.
Hi Kathy
Nice to meet you. And congratulations of making Abhishek’s list!
I have wanted to publish mean comments and posts several times. I have read some really arrogent and obnoxious posts from some prominent bloggers and thought: “who gives you the right to make that judgement?” But I have refrained simply because I am a strong believer in ‘two wrongs never make a right.’ And as you say once you post something on the internet it is there forever. It’s just not worth it.
Thanks for sharing.
Michael
Hey Michael,
I wasn’t on Abhishek’s list. (lol) At least not the one I think you are referring to. I did have some friends on there though who really deserved it.
You are a disciplined man if you can refrain from retaliating. Good for you. See you around.
Lol! Well you should be on that list.
Michael
I wonder if this is related to the recent exchange we had with another blogger at another website a little while back?
I absolutely know what you mean and love reading every word of your post.
Ana Hoffman
It might be Ana..
Hope you don’t mind me editing that comment a little bit. I don’t wish to throw a stone into the hornets nest again by directing people to that little spat. I don’t want to help give that jerk any more traffic from anyone that visits my blog.
Glad you liked it. I am really enjoying your material. You know your stuff. I can tell your blog will be wildly successful very quickly.
Like so many things, it’s usually best to take the high road, but by the same token there are those individual times when you have to make the judgment the other way. Generally I simply delete comments or ignore them. I like Timothy Ferriss’s view on blog moderation: I am under no obligation to publish negativity. On the other hand, sometimes someone makes a statement so absurd it’s ludicrous. The freelance writing blog saying any freelance writer making less than 80k a year is an idiot was the one that set me off, but even then instead of responding directly, I made a post that showed the math, dug up the stats, and basically proved the opposite point. I figure that’ll make those types of bloggers angrier in the long run, anyway :)
Jon,
What you did is probably the right thing to do. I can’t help but think that a lot of people do that on purpose though as a way to bait people into providing interesting conversation and as a way to bait links. You are smart to write your own post on your own site and just drop a comment in the original post that directs people to your explanation.
I hate to partake in most people’s link baiting tactics that are done in poor taste. I don’t mind a lively conversation as long as the claims being made are not absurd and ridiculous. In that case you are just better off ignoring the dweeb.
Hey Kathy B…
I haven’t run into posts or comments that I think are mean, although I have a pretty narrow definition of mean, so that could be why. I tend to stick around blogging niche blogs, and I don’t know if there is room for that type of subjectivity in this niche. If I were to come across something I thought was downright mean, I’d say something about it.
Once, I ran into a guy’s blog. He was criticizing blog consultants in a vain, ridiculous attempt to make himself look better (after all, he was a blog consultant! Dude was a total idiot in my opinion). Even though he had no comments (and hardly any traffic, go figure) I decided to leave a comment standing up for blog consultants. I have no idea whether he published it and don’t even remember his name or his blog. So perhaps that really just was therapeutic for me and did nothing at all for him. Who knows.
I think blogs are great venues for ranting. I don’t like what everyone has to say, but at the same time I feel that everyone has a right to speak. Yes, it may get them punched in the face, and that might make them smarter. So, while everyone has the right to speak, they also have to face repercussions and repercussions may come in the form of a mean comment or mean post in return. Sometimes it’s necessary.
You’re right that you should never link back. lol No point in helping them out!
Cheers,
Tia
Thanks for contributing Tia.
I seem to run into more of them than most people. Maybe I get around too much……..Nah……
I usually just bite my tongue, but once in a while I speak my peace.
Here is the way I see it. If a blogger says something to upset me or make me mad I will not go back to his or her website. If they prove they cannot provide me with something valuable then reading their blog where they criticize and make ppl mad is not worth my time.
Life is so short you know?
Chris,
I have done the exact same thing. I have made the decision to abandon some sites, even ones with valuable content, just because the admin was a jerk. We only have a finite amount of time to spend. Why waste it on all that negativity. I guess some people haven’t learned yet that you have to choose your own attitude every day. Plus, hanging around negative people will drag you down into their world. That is not a great place to be. I have seen firsthand what all that constant negativity can do to a person. It is not pretty. You should pity those people who live in misery.
Wow Kathy.. sorry to hear this blogger really got to you.. I think I’ve encountered some of them who replied to my comments on an author’s post. They kinda came in strong in disagreeing with my comments which sounded sarcastic. It is really hard to tell when you cant see the face of the commenter as he’s typing that, what he’s really thinking when he said that to me. I couldn’t think straight for a few hours after reading that comment but it would be a waste going back to it for payback, I just try and use all that negative energy to do the right things instead. I guess growing up around difficult people made me a bit patient even with a bad temper.
Some people have thicker skins than others and can take more seemingly personal attacks. I usually want to stick up for someone when I see a bully attacking them. I want to put my foot in his (pick a spot.) I simply cannot stand by and watch someone repeatedly bully other people.
Isn’t arguing and disagreeing what the built the blogosphere?
I’m not saying it’s okay to be hurtful – but a heated debate can mean increased traffic to your blog.
Debate is fine if the debate is based on true beliefs. Can you think of a bigger waste of time than trying to argue with someone who is just arguing for the sake of causing trouble.
If it appears that it is being done for link baiting purposes, then I will not engage in the argument. Once I realize that is happening I will immediately stop.
It’s an interesting thing to discuss, Kathy. Many times meanness is in the eyes of the beholder, while other times someone is out to intentionally inflict distress on others.
Last year I went out of my way to belittle an A-list blogger who went after a friend of mine on my friend’s blog no less. It was easy because I turned the guy’s own words against him while pointing out some inconsistencies in his beliefs. I didn’t regret it one bit because I stand by my friends. I’m rarely that intentionally mean, but there are times when you have to do what you have to do.
I can have my moments of being reactionary. It’s something I fight with, especially online because people tend to say things to others online that they’d never dare say in person. I’m working on that, though, because I’m at the age where I’m thinking I need a bit more peace in my life.
Thanks for chiming in Mitch.
I would stick by my friend too it I saw them being attacked. If I thought my friend was wrong I would try to mediate the conversation. If I thought my friend was right, I would just join in on their side. If the other person was obviously link baiting I would encourage my friend to delete the other person’s comments instead.
Being mean for the sake of being mean is pointless and gets you nowhere, except on a fast train to an internet tundra. Even in response to anger, it is not acceptable. However, I don’t see a problem with being controversial in your posts – while what you write is permanent and thought should be put into everything before you ever hit Publish, you shouldn’t censor yourself for the sake of pleasing everyone. You’ll just appear neutral and leave no room for discussion.
I recently censured myself a couple of times Dave. People are mad at me for doing it too. So I guess you are absolutely right.
I don’t let it bother me. Where there is negativity – I just leave. I might come back if I think the negativity is gone, but if it happens too many times I’m outta there. Negative people are draining to be around and negativity gets you nowhere. Belittling people is a sign of a self-confidence issue and is a detrimental sign of weekness. If you keep that in mind, it does help lessen the anger at comments. I’m a friendly, outgoing, supportive type of person and like to surround myself with the same. I might be cussing up a storm in my head when I get mad, but it is rare for me to call someone out on something, but boy you better get out of the way if it gets to that point. ;)
Having dignity and class can’t be purchased, only practiced by walking the high road.
“Belittling people is a sign of a self-confidence issue and is a detrimental sign of weakness. If you keep that in mind, it does help lessen the anger at comments. Having dignity and class can’t be purchased, only practiced by walking the high road.”
Thanks Melinda. I will choose to look at it this way for now.
I haven’t wanted to strangle any bloggers yet but I have run into a passive-aggressive poster on LinkedIn. It started out with him replying to my comment. Initially, it looked like he agreed with me. He ended the thread with a comment about not selling anything. The implication being that I was selling something when actually I was simply endorsing a web host (with a specific example of exceptional work on their part). I still steam when I think of him and honestly find myself being careful about posting in threads where he’s obviously present. In some ways, I think a person like that can do more damage than someone who is blatantly mean.
You’re right Sherryl. A person who simply misunderstands you can be far more damaging than a person who is being mean on purpose. I can see why you want to avoid that person altogether from now on.
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I love posting something that is contradictory rather than mean post or comments :-)
Contradictory posts are fine so long as you aren’t doing it to start a fight. If you are doing it on purpose to start a fight then you are being a comment troll. Nobody likes trolls.
As long as the opposing viewpoint is something you truly believe in and you aren’t just being a jerk everywhere you go, then you are truly adding value to the conversation.
Interesting thread. ;o)
Write mean post? Depends on the nature of it, there are good ways to be mean without seeming to be, I have written a few pretty bashing post but I wouldn’t say mean, they were deserved. ;)
The bottom line for me is it HONEST and relevant?
Same as with comments etc, being mean for the sake of it is just lame anywhere in any form, being mean with a point, meaning you have to be mean for it to get through … is justifiable if done in the right way with the right intentions clear.
Being honest is what really counts above everything else.
That’s my take, I stick by it. :)
Honesty is everything Rob. I agree.
I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Anyone can get mad once in a while or have a bad day here and there. We all do it. But, if you are consistently mean…….
I have got better things to do with my time and my emotions than waste them on that. I just quit socializing with them altogether so they don’t drag me down into their abyss with them.
I just prefer to put those things in the past and forget about them.
Thanks for stopping by Rob.
Don’t blame ya. ;) AT all.. :D